Things I Wish There Wasn’t A Category For.

Sometimes, Everything You Wish You Could Change Are The Things You Never Had Any Control Over.

I wish I was going to sleep but I am still wired.

broken-pencil

The shit I am working though isn’t settled; I’m not moving out, but I still don’t know if I am staying.
Nothing would please me more than to be free of it all, but that is also my biggest nightmare; I am loosing a limb, someone that has become a part of me, and even though it has been misery for us both, I don’t remember how it was to be alone.
We talk, we get mad, we get hurt, we try to get even, but there just ins’t a point to doing that any more. then we actually start talking, things get settled, we stop being mad and spend hours wishing each other the best; we can’t just cut it off but we can’t go back either.
 
So we agree to go into other rooms to get away from the emotional overload … and my mind starts thinking again.
 
She comes back and I can see she has been doing the same thing as me, and I can tell that she has been talking to him again, but she hasn’t actually broken it off like she said she would.
I don’t have the right to claim possession anymore, and I am honestly not upset that she has found someone else that stirs he heart. It hurts, it really does, but it is the hurt of wishing it was me instead of the hurt of betrayal; I know that she is no longer mine.
I just wish that she would wait a little longer.
I want to stay and see this thing off all the way to the end; I want to put her on that flight she has been yearning for and send her to the life she wants. But I won’t be the other man, even if I am no longer “her” man, I can not be here and working to support her while she is with someone else.
 
Not that she is asking me to.
 
I don’t want to go, it isn’t yet time to leave, she says she knows it is too soon for her to be with someone else, but I can see it in her eyes that she is not going to cut it off. She is too hungry for the affection, even though she knows that she would be using him.
 
He wants he in a way that I can not give; free from baggage.
But I love her with a weight that he can not measure; a third of my entire life.
 
I will not begrudge her the happiness she deserves, but I know that in the end I will not be able to stay no matter how much I want to put her on that plane. I -need- to put her on that plane, and not doing so is going to leave a hole inside of me for the rest of my life, but I already know that it isn’t going to happen.
 
I want to reroll this and play it differently, but the truth that no one thinks about is that no matter how many times you reroll a character in a game; you can only reroll the character and not the game … everything is still going to play out the exact same way, you just tend to get to the end quicker.
 
I don’t actually want to reroll my character and play the same game; I want to reroll the game, but keep playing the same character.